When a loved one begins to need more assistance than their family can provide, it is often helpful to explore personal care communities. However, broaching the topic of moving to a more assistive level of care can be challenging, especially as emotions and stress enter the equation. An older adult may understand and recognize they are struggling to live independently, but that does not make it any easier to move out of the home they have lived in for 40 years. Sensitive topics such as finances, powers of attorney, and end-of-life directives can make the conversation even more difficult.
However, there are ways to approach these conversations in ways that are loving, productive, and respect the dignity of older adults. Here are five tips to get started.
Don’t Wait to Talk About Personal Care Communities
The time to begin talking to your loved one about getting help is now, before a crisis develops. Once that happens, decisions often must be made quickly without time to consider all the options. If you notice signs that a loved one may need help, begin putting together a plan.
Moving before a crisis may also help an older adult remain more independent than if they remained in their house. “When a Personal Care home takes on even one or two tasks for someone, it can help them stay independent and allow them to live life to the fullest,” says Nataniel Stube, Personal Care Administrator at Barclay Friends.
Click here to learn more about personal care at Barclay Friends.
Do Your Research
Be prepared ahead of the conversation with information about personal care communities in the area. Lauren Paules, Director of Social Services at Barclay Friends, recommends having pictures of the personal care communities available and even exploring their websites together. Knowing how the communities will address your loved one’s physical and social needs can help the conversation go more smoothly. If you need more help, talk to someone who has gone through the process before, such as a neighbor, or speak with the admissions team at one of the communities you are exploring. You can also consult local and national resources, such as:
- Pennsylvania Department of Aging
- Aging Services Chester County
- National Council on Aging
- Alzheimer’s Association Greater Pennsylvania
Begin Small, But with a Lot of Empathy and Compassion
It may be tempting to have “the talk” all at once, but doing so can overwhelm someone who is already experiencing significant changes in their life (such as decreased cognitive functioning or severe physical limitations). How might you feel if you were told by your closest friends and family that you had to move out of your home? Practice empathy for your loved one and remember to respect their dignity. Assure them that you only have their best interests at heart and that you know how challenging this is to hear. If necessary, take a break during the conversation to ease the tension in the room.
Be Honest About Why You are Looking at Personal Care Communities
If you are having difficulty caring for your loved one, be open and honest about the challenges you face. Do not make promises you cannot keep or sugarcoat the realities of the situation you are facing. Consider using examples as well. For instance, you might say, “Dad, you fell in the middle of the night. It could have been a lot worse, and I cannot be here 24/7 keep you safe.”
You might also point out how moving to a personal care community may help them remain independent longer. For example, “Mom, if you were to move to this community, you wouldn’t have to worry about making meals anymore or having to schedule your doctor appointments around when I can be here to drive you.” However you decide to talk to your loved one, make sure to keep the emphasis on doing what is needed to keep them safe and healthy.
Involve Them in the Decision
When you have the luxury of time, your loved one can play an active part in the decision-making process and even help explore the personal care communities in your area. Remind them that if a crisis arises, you may not be able to seek their guidance or wishes. Ask them what is important to them when considering different communities. Additionally, this would be the time to discuss other important topics, such as:
- Who do they want as their Financial and Healthcare Powers of Attorney?
- Do they have an Advanced Healthcare Directive?
- What does their financial picture look like?
- Do they have a long-term care insurance policy? If so, where is it located?
Courageous Conversations
Having these conversations can be challenging for all involved. However, with proper preparation, families can find solutions for their loved ones that keep them safe, preserve their dignity, and allow family members to stop being caregivers and enjoy meaningful moments with the ones they love most.